The world is changing rapidly…and technology has changed the face of society. Freedom and accessibility is changing the dating scene, with at times some negative consequences.
We now live in an age where it is easier to find a lover than it is a green grocer. An age where online you can be put in touch with a person for 'fun and frolics' at the click of a mouse. This is no longer the territory of the 'Playboy or girl', and no longer the risk taking activity of hanging around street corners or reading ads in phone boxes. It is a 'Boom time' for hooking up for casual fun/pleasure. And this boom has effected the dating scene. It is almost as if people have lost self respect and devalued themselves. Sex should be fun and rewarding, however, I am seeing it become a hobby for some and an addictive pastime for others. Where does the online dating scene sit with regard to this new freedom.
I am seeing more and more people becoming hurt, disappointed and resentful after experiencing internet dating disasters. Some people have been made unwell by their experience.
So it is time to look at the other side of this dating game and look at what you can do when it goes wrong?
So you took the plunge…  Now you are confused, hurt, disappointed…and more. Let's take a look at online dating from a new perspective. The adverts look wonderful… love, fun, romance and the chance of future happiness just a mouse click away. So how about the other side of the story regarding this fast growing dating medium. More sex and less love Sex quite often takes place these days on the first date. There has been numerous articles written that have made it clear that both men and women are thinking nothing of having sex on a first date knowing very little if anything about their date. If this sounds like you?... then be sure it is what you want, and for the right reasons. It is not risk free. For those of you that did not have this in mind…you need to beware that it is happening, and be sure whoever you chat with holds the same views as you do. The downside of the dating site boom
Trying again So you have had a dating disaster but you wish to go back to this way of meeting people. here are a few key points worth considering before choosing to find love via a dating site. Unfortunately, these points are often discovered the hard way. So do not take chances…be savvy!
"Handsome is as handsome does"  My grandmother gave me a piece of advice that has turned out to be one of the most useful things I have learnt in life. She pointed out that it is the actions of a person where the value lies. "How do they treat you, and treat others, she would say. Do not be fooled by words alone." Because of the nature of meeting and the speed of information gathering, it is possible to feel that you have become closer to someone than you actually are. Do not let your guard down yet. Do you really know them? Check out these links Tips for making the process as safe and healthy as possible Move slowly: Follow the guidelines on this site and explain to your date why you intend to move slowly and why you want to meet in a public place etc. Do not be made to feel freaky, or accept that you are an odd man/woman if you don't want to sleep with them on a first date, no matter how stunning she/he is. Just remind yourself that you do not know how many dates they have had, and if they are leaping into bed on each first date, ask yourself how much you would enjoy a trip to the sexual health clinic a few weeks or months down the road? I am guessing not much. Stay safe! Do not hand out money. However sad or extreme the situation seams, do not be tempted to hand over cash…even as a loan. This is difficult when you have fallen in love and you think the other person feels the same. If you absolutely feel you must help out, then do make sure you thoroughly check out that all you believe about the person and situation is true. We have all heard of 'love at first sight' but realistically how often does this happen that you meet that person that makes you go WOW! The conversation flows, the interest and core beliefs are the same… the one that you can't stop from running around your head, days after the first date. Well, that just does not happen often. So why jump into bed with someone when none of the above exists? So be sure you are realistic about the outcome, if you rush into things. Are they 'still active' on a dating site when they have declared they wish to be in a relationship with you? It used to be easy to see this on some sites, and it would tell you when they were last active and some would tell you if a person had viewed your profile. Nowadays if you wish to pay more, you can go onto peoples profiles and view it without it showing up as activity. All sites are different, and it is not so cut and dry as to who is doing what. My advice is to ask them at an appropriate time/stage. If they are evasive or defensive, then stay cautious for a while. Sex talk is a natural progression in a relationship for some, but is it in keeping with the stage of the relationship. It is dominating? Are you encouraged to get onto sexual talk when most would be asking how your day has been? Ask yourself…does this feel comfortable? If not, say so and do not be worried about losing the date. If they are that shallow, then best they depart early on. Flings, fun but not relationship material. I have known clients to be asked to take part in online explicit sex talk/webcam or sexting that amounts to not much more than being a free sex chat line. Some folk are now expecting ( and wanting at times) to be seen to be sexually liberated and 'hot'. Be selective, you will gain respect and you are less likely to have regrets. Take time to 'Process information and see if it stand up to being true'. You must not assume every dating site user tells fibs, but just because they have given you a lot of info, do not assume you have a green light to love. They may tell you what they want you to hear, they wished for themselves ( projected positive ideal) or tell you what they knew would be required. The thing is…you cannot always tell,no matter how smart and savvy or worldly wise you are. Stay aware and move at the appropriate speed. Look out for 'sticking plaster daters'. ( temporary solution for a deep unhealed wound) You might not get the truth straight away but lookout for timelines on past relationship.1, when did the last one end? 2, Who ended it? 3,How long was the relationship? So if the person tells you it was a 25 year marriage and it ended a couple of months ago but they are well over it. I would hold a big question mark over that statement in my experience. Do they let you into their world? If you have been in contact for months and you are dating and sleeping together but they do not want you to meet their friends, attend their parties or gatherings. If you cannot phone them at home or at work. Then DO get suspicious and ask what this is about. Tips continued… Never seen where they live? If you always go to your home and you have never been invited you their home…start to ask yourself why. For example: the woman that said she had been single for a year, that turned out to have been still living with her husband. The reason given for not taking her new partner home, was that the heating had broken and it was cosier at her dates house. Clearly it would have had to end by summer, or the excuse would be lame! Do their reasons stack up and make sense? If they start to tell you reasons for not doing things that are normal for most couples, then start to question if the reasons are valid. * Some site will be aimed at hooking up for fun / sex. Some are aimed at putting people together for a relationship. Be sure you know the difference and be sure of what you want. | Try to remember that people use dating site for different reasons
Endings: Should I have seen it coming? To be truthful. Sometimes it jumps out at you, but as humans we see what we want to see. Sometimes it ends for the strangest of reasons. We need to remember that we cannot know what is in the other person head or heart. Some people fall in and out of love/passion easily. However, if your relationship was based on sex, was on and off, you had your suspicions, you got let down without good reason or notice, their mood was changeable towards you…then yes, you might have been more aware of it not lasting. Be extra cautious if:
So you jumped in… and they jumped out! ''She said I was amazing and that she had waited all her life for someone like me'. She was found to be engaged to someone else, and on a break. 'He said, he wanted to share his life with someone again'. Despite being divorced, he was emotionally unavailable, and his life revolved around his ex-wife and his role as her rescuer. How to manage an ending? This might well depend on the stage and duration of your contact and how it ended.
If they are being, unreasonable, underhand or controlling and you challenged this (even if kindly) they may well bolt. It is easier than trying to reason the unreasonable. If it is not going to go their way, they won't waste their time…off to the next. Sometimes people are not in a good place, and despite wanting a relationship, they cannot cope with one at that time… Hope fully they will get help to overcome there issues. If someone is really nasty, avoid further contact. Response to…THE END 'It happens sometimes that a person dates, and then decides that the other person is not right for them. It can happen at any point, for various reasons'.
I think no matter what has been said or suggested, until you actually meet it is impossible to say whether you are suited. We tend to fashion an idea in our heads of who we want the other person to be…and this is easy to hang onto until we see the real Mccoy. Again, despite disappointment try to be a decent person, gracious and respectful.
Hopefully when this degree of intimacy and sharing has taken place, you would be able to have an open honest conversation about where you find yourselves. Try to allow the other person to explain their feeling as difficult as they might be to hear, and hopefully they will respect you enough to be prepared to hear your feelings too. Remember that when using a dating site, users will have 'new blood' arriving in their inbox on a regular basis. If they have no willpower and no respect for the other person, they might end a good relationship for someone that 'appears' to be better. This is the real down side of online dating…saturation with opportunity and lack of impulse control. In the rare situations where both parties do want to be together but other things are influencing the future: Long distance, children, dependant parents or family, ex=partners, exes threats of harm or suicide, illness. Then try and give each other time and understanding to discuss the possible ways forwards or take the issues to a relevant professional together. Counsellor, lawyer, medical professional, support agency. Good communication is essential if you are going to be able to hold down a relationship long term, so it important to be prepared to discuss your thoughts and feelings. What lies behind the mask?  Sociopaths can diminish a previously happy outgoing confident person into a shadow of their former self.
It would be advisable to seek help from a therapist to help you understand what has happened to you, and how a sociopath operates, so that you can understand, heal and move on. Recovery and moving on Now there is something to be said for falling off the horse and getting straight back on. But in this case don't do it! Yes, it is a distraction and your ego might get a stroke from a new face in your inbox, with new compliments, but you have forgotten one thing. You need to be 'emotionally healthy' to date successfully. This is one of the reasons it goes wrong so often… Sticking plaster dating. Do not take the hurt or baggage from the past experience into the next date.
So why is it that some people cannot restrict themself to one person at a time to date? There is a simple self control (temptation) explanation. Walter Mischel at Stanford University, conducted a study with children and marshmallows. A marshmallow was put in front of a child and they were told they could eat it if they wanted too, but if they waited for a while until the adult came back, then they could have two! The result was that the majority could not resist the immediate gratification and were tempted into eating the one infront of them. So is this happening at the start of internet dating? People are rushing in for immediate gratification? Then, when you put this along side another piece of research that was conducted by Ryan Schactt an anthropologist from Utah University called 'commitment in a relationship influenced by availability of partners'. Researched showed that men were less likely to have one night stands when the pool of women available for relationships were reduced. it appears they did not want lose a partner when women were in short supply. The question I have to ask is…does the fact that the internet makes available a constant supply of partners, influence our ability to invest in a committed relationship? I think I know the answer! If you are going to internet date again, have awareness, stay safe and be realistic. It is what it is… a way to meet people. keep safe. Please note: the dating site providers are not at fault. It is a business and you can choose to use this facility or not. It is not the technology that is the problem here, it is also sadly some of the users |