Am I in a relationship with a sociopath?

If you are or have been in a relationship with one, it is likely you have experienced the most wonderful feelings of connection and the most desperate feelings of confusion and unhappiness.

In my many years working as a relationship counsellors I have seen first hand the destructive influence of sociopaths on their partners.

• Highly cunning and manipulative

Some clients have sort help and support whilst in a relationship. Others have sort help when it has ended, when they are confused and shell shocked. All, have had an element of confusion as their partner changed from Mr/Mrs perfect to Mr/Mrs nasty.

• Perfect seducer to angry manipulator

So what are the traits of a sociopath in a relationship?

They tend to create an amazing image of themself and sell you the concept.

Often highly charismatic and well mannered. You are likely to think how lucky you are to have found them. They might talk of their successes and amazing plans for the future. They will have a huge ego but this might not be so apparent at the start due to the charisma that tends to ooze from every pore.

• Superficial charm in abundance

Sociopaths can have a great deal of sex appeal, and you might feel the rush of chemistry at the beginning. There will be a need to show off their sexual prowess but at some points when they are not concentrating on being the perfect sexual partner… you may experience them as disconnected They are often capable of explosive sex … but not good at when it comes to true intimacy.

A sociopath will get to know you so well and quickly, that you can truly feel you have met your soul mate. They will appear to have so much in common with you that you feel 'as one' very early on in the relationship. They are mostly mirroring back all that you are, to make you feel so connected. All this makes it harder for you to break away when things start to change.

• A convincing liar

They feel no guilt about telling a lie at all! They will even lie to protect a lie, and regularly do. Remember that the lie is a means to an end for a sociopath. They will lie to get what they need.

The only time they will tell the truth is when they are caught out and can't wriggle out of it! At this point you are likely to get anger or outrage from them to deflect away from the situation. For example: if you snooped to find out the truth. Then, your action of snooping will be made out to be the bigger issue, even if the lie they told was horrific!

• Will never take responsibility

They can leave you without showing any emotion. If you do not get outrage and anger, you might get complete cut off. A sociopath will cut you off when it is 'game over' or they lose interest.

Despite having no real feelings for others, or guilt or shame, they can cry, and will do so, if this is what is needed.

Providing there is still something to be gained, or they think they can obtain the control or get the higher ground back - you may see them go into victim mode. The aim will be, to make you feel sorry for them, and it works in most cases, as they are utterly believable and they would have chosen you carefully because you are an empathic person.

A sociopath will aim to find out as much about YOU as they can. They will discover your full history, family, past relationships, fears, hopes and dreams. Then they will use this information to: entice you, get the better of you, out wit you, disarm you and to make you feels vulnerable. You will often find that information about them is sketchy. they will change the subject or cause diversion to avoid disclosing to much personal info.

A relationship with a sociopath often goes from "amazing" to rocky and then emotionally abusive. And of course, it will be 'all you fault' (according to the Sociopath) when it starts to go pear shaped.

• Do not like exposure and hence are very secretive

You are likely to be showered with gifts or flattery and attention. You are made to feel special and adored (normally from the start). They are normally never stuck for things to say (as they make things up easily) and they will concentrate their efforts on YOU. It is likely that you will feel the centre of their world. Hey, but wait a minute…what do you really know about their world?

• Will try to isolate you.

This is a common trait and one that is crucial to their success, as it ensures you have only them to rely upon… and it also stops others from talking sense into you, if you start to speak about your partners emotionally abusive behaviour.

If you have been told your friends are all drunks or losers, your family are using you or taking liberties etc etc, to the point where you have lost contact and your social life has changed. Then ask yourself why?

ANS: It will be so you depend on them ( the sociopath) and they have control of you.

Ask yourself… Have I ever felt or experienced these feelings, or the other persons behaviours in any other relationship? Hopefully not.

Ask yourself how much confidence you now have as a person? A sociopath will rob you of your self worth!