How to love again after a broken heart

The complexities of endings can put us off new beginnings

Sometimes endings happens slowly - the love just fades.

Sometimes it will be like an axe falling, brutal and prevents any chance or reparation.

Sometimes it involves a third party - an affair or simply a one off sexual encounter with another.

Sometimes there seems no real reason - but the other person does not want the relationship to continue. Whatever the reason, the outcome involves such deeply painful feelings that we may find it hard to love and trust again.

So how can we find a way to let love back into our lives when we are scared and fearful of further pain?

We need to be 'ready' to love again, which entails being 'emotionally healthy'

How do I know if I am - I hear you shout. Firstly, check that you are not exhibiting these behaviours.

• Avoidance; this often happens after several deep hurts. We just don't get close to anyone for fear of pain.

• Anxious attachment; when you want to be 'in love' and in a relationship, but as soon as the other person starts to become close to you, you either exit quickly or demonstrate a detachment behaviour, like not letting them get close to your personal space, or meet friends or family. You may make comments or hint that 'you are not wanting anything serious', or not keeping in touch as often as you could, to deliberately create space. It may include 'not being exclusive '- and actively seeing other people at the same time.

• Possessiveness; after infidelity or a partner breaking your trust or the fact you just do not trust people full stop. You may 'act out' to stop them going out or dressing the way they want for fear of them being attractive to someone else or fearful of letting them have freedom - just in case they leave you.

• Game playing; when you treat someone in a way you don't really want to - you may try and out manoeuvre or play a tactical game, i.e. deliberately making them jealous.

• Detachment; not having any feelings, that are either good or bad. This can happen after a broken heart which has involved a traumatic element. Human beings cut off emotions as a means of surviving unbearable thoughts or feelings. Abuse, shock, loss of home and children death of partner could all be repressed.

• Low self esteem; thinking that you are not lovable, always get the wrong person, bound to get hurt or it's not worth the hassle.

If you are aware that you might be experiencing some of the above, then it is time to give yourself a - love make over.

To fall successfully in love and have a fair chance of giving the partnership a reasonable chance of success, let us look at a few requirements

• Love yourself (if you don't no one else can)

• Invest in other relationship too - friends and family

• Create a happy healthy life - regardless of relationship status

• Trust until you have concrete evidence not to do so

• Remember no one is perfect

• Don't over think or make assumptions ( they may not have called you, because they are in a meeting, not because they are with their lover)

• Don't confuse passion with love

• Do not 'over' invest in the relationships - 50/50 remember

• Sex does not make people love you

• Be with someone because you want to, not because you need to

• Enjoy the moment

• Try not to predict the future

• Laugh together

• Relax

• Remember, jealousy kills a relationship

• Be your 'best self'. If you - like you, then others will