Child abuse

What do we teach our children?

We teach our children from an early age to trust family and to be cautious around others, when the ghastly facts suggest otherwise. How often have you heard of children being advised to 'not talk to strangers', or advised you own children to be wary around those they do not know.

What we never discuss with our children (because we can barely even consider it a possibility) is the dangers from within the family. This is most likely why when abuse does take place, that the victim of abuse does not know how to, or who to tell. Can you imagine what might be going on in the mind of the already traumatised child, 'If this is happening in my family, how can I tell my family?'

Talking to children

• Educate them on parts of their body that are theirs (appropriate to age)

• Be open about how it is never good to be keeping secrets

• Very important...let them know they can talk to you about anything

• Talk to them about letting you know or if they feel upset or scared of what someone does, even if it is family

• Discuss family rules: no hurting others, scaring others, being made to do things that hurt us or scare us, not to let others look or touch private parts or make you touch theirs.

Yes, this is uncomfortable and difficult for some people but why should it be...open, honest approachable parents have much more chance of helping children grow up safe and with clear boundaries.

Survivors of abuse very often talk about the devastating moment that they tell a family member (often a parent) of the abuse, only to be disbelieved, told off, told not to be silly and other responses that have added to the trauma and hopelessness of their situation.

What do we do if our child tells us things that sound like abuse?

As hard as it is to even consider the implication of what your child might be saying...please listen!

• Abuse is a crime

• A abuser can be charming, manipulating, appear perfectly 'normal', be trusted by others, held in high esteem, be your nearest and dearest.

• They often use this status as a coat of armour...untouchable (or so they think). Some religious leaders and cults are excellent at using a deity - as a higher power, more than U.K. law

• If you do nothing else, do not tell your child they are silly or tell them they are lying, or ask them if they are sure. The fact that they have approached you at all, would have already been traumatic for them, as they try to understand their own feelings and what others will do and say. Ask them (they might not have the words depending on age) what they would like to happen. Do not press for details at this point but try and help them feel safe. Give them time and compassion.

• Do not confront the alleged abuser at this point ( they may put lots of actions in place to discredit the child). Do however try to keep the child safe. I suggest at this point you obtain help from a reputable organisation that is well equip to support you and your child. You will not be alone, and there are others that can help you. If you have a trusted family member not related to the abuser, you may wish to talk to them.

• If the alleged abuser is indeed one of your other children, as terrible as that might seems, you must get help. Help for both of them! An abuser is also likely to abuse again, and this may end up in a custodial sentence if not tackled in childhood. A child that abuses may be offered help and support, an adult will likely be given prison.

• The longer the abuse goes on, the more the survivors has to overcome...so do not go into denial.

• Get help and support for you and your child. Counselling can really help you find the strength to face the unbearable.

See helpline link below