Leaving someone you love

Loving someone does not guarantee they will love you back or treat you well. Be it a family member or partner. So do you just settle for less, or ignore the hurt? If not, then when would it be right to end your time with someone you love, temporarily or for good?

Not all humans treat others well and if that happens to be someone in your family treating you badly, or inconsiderately, it can feel almost impossible to make the relationship a happy one, no matter how hard you try. And often I hear clients have tried and tried, only to become upset, hurt, disappointed often to the point of damaging their mental health.

The same may go for a relationship. You may have loved your partner very much, but that does not mean you will have that returned. You may have experienced hurtful behaviours, being neglected, lack of consideration, lack of intimacy and loving gestures. You may have been taken for granted, your feelings dismissed. However, it might not have seemed bad enough to make the decision to leave, and if you did, you may have been encouraged to stay with promises of change.

Q: So when should you consider leaving or ending contact with someone you love?

Ans: When, you realise you are desperately unhappy. When it is effecting your self esteem. When you start to feel unlovable or insignificant. When you opinions don't count, your voice is unheard. It makes you cry, you lose sleep, you have a low mood or it makes you feel unwell and most importantly, when it has gone on for many months or years.

Sometimes others are caught up in the relationship and it has a bad effect on them too. Your children for example, if they see you sad or unhappy year after year. Your parents maybe, if they are being hurt too by seeing you suffer.

Maybe you should leave when...

Your sleep is disturbed. When you feel second best. When you normal daily activities are negatively effected by the relationship. You are off your food, feel depressed or anxious, then surely this cannot be a loving relationship.

Maybe you should stop seeing the person you love when...When you have tried to explain, discuss or make things right but the other person continues to hurt you. Absolutely if there is violence, emotional traumatisation, theft or violation of your rights as a human to freedom and choice.

Leaving or ending contact may have consequences.

It may well cause disruption to your life. You might have to move house, other family members might stop talking to you. Friends might be shocked if you never told them of your suffering. There may be lots of challenges. The fact still remains that you cannot make someone else's behaviour change...but you can control whether you continue to put up with it.

the reason people fail to end poor relationships with others is mainly due to 'loving the person who is hurting them' or fear. Fear of reprisal, fear of loneliness, fear of financial struggles, fear of judgement by others and more.

When it comes to loving the person who is hurting you, and this is stopping you detaching, ask yourself this.

• • Do I feel loved?

  • Do I feel well?

  • Do I feel happy?

  • Do I feel safe and secure

If the answer is no...then by staying, you are accepting a life that is probably unhealthy emotionally for you.

Remember, that within reason, you do have a choice as to whether you allow someone to treat you badly. It might mean change, temporary upset and even a broken heart for a while , but if you stay...what will the cost be to your long term happiness and health?

• Loving another does not guarantee you will get love or respect back.

  • If you try harder or love harder, it will not change a thing if the person does not care for you and your feelings.

  • If you put up with poor behaviour and neglect etc, the person treating you badly soon learns that they can continue to do this with no consequences to them.

  • You cannot find new love with a person capable of giving you what you need, if you are locked into a relationship that is dysfunctional.

  • Family, does not mean...treat me how the heck you like.

  • Letting your grown up children treat you with disrespect, take from you or be abusive is not OK, just because they are your children.

  • Letting a sibling hurt you or a parent hurt you is doubly awful because we always hope families will love us and keep us safe. Sadly, a lot of abuse happens within families behind closed doors. So maybe it is time to walk away and stop the pain.